Early in 2017, my relationship with my closest friend suddenly ended. To this day, I’m not certain exactly why. All I know is that at one of the most turbulent times in my life, I was left without my most trusted confidant. I in my previous post, Evolution of a Friendship, I explored the subtle transition we both experienced. However, in early 2017, transition had come to an end, and we had finally ended what we thought would be a lifetime friendship.
I was at a point in my life where I wanted to experience freedom. I wanted to know what is was like to be happy with myself and my choices and I wanted to be free from societal convention which seemed to have held me captive for so many years. In the moment that my bestfriend made it clear that she no longer wanted to be a part of my life, I felt like a slave. I felt vulnerable, and I realized that at some point in our twenty-year friendship I had given her the keys to my happiness and without her in my life, I could no longer experience any joy. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I couldn’t understand how someone who had become close to me than my own sisters could walk away with little thought to what devastation it would cause me. Initially I couldn’t find any purpose in losing someone so dear to my heart. When my friendship flatlined, a piece of me died. I cried for weeks, and I had never felt so alone. There was no one to listen to my secrets or offer me advice. I felt like a woman my age would never find this type of platonic connection, and that saddened me. I even asked God why he allowed everyone who I ever loved to walk out of my life. In the end, I had more questions than answers. I could not find any purpose in my bestfriends departure. But, overtime, things began to make sense. God was working on my life in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. It was time for me to mature to an entirely different level in my womanhood, but it was not an easy transition.
Within about four weeks in early 2017, my fiancé had dumped me (for the fourth of fifth time) and my bestfriend exited my life. I can remember putting the boys to bed at night and spending about twenty minutes or so crying before I finally drifted off to sleep. I had never been so lost. Without the constant companionship of my friend and my lover, I simply did not know what to do with myself. I eventually realized that this was the real problem. I was terrified of being alone. I didn’t value time with myself. (Yet I expected others to value time with me.)
I can remember going through the healing process for about three months. I eventually become absorbed in my own life. I had ultimately found a swath of freedom. I was no longer a slave to my emotions, and I realized that I could survive life without the validation, advice, consolation, of having a man, or a friend. Ironically, that’s when my friend (and my fiancé) casually sauntered back into my situation. Without question, I welcomed them both with open arms, and to this day we have not fully discussed why our friendship ended. For me, the unanswered questions have been looming in the background. But I’m learning, somethings are better left unsaid.
During my alone time, my solitude; during the time I felt most alone, I learned at least one lesson. There was indeed a purpose for what had taken place in my life. In order for me to mature mentally, spiritually and emotionally as a woman, God required me to be alone. See, it was during this alone time that I began to develop a solid relationship with God. As long as I was tightly-bound to the people in my immediate circle, I could never learn to fully rely on God. For instance, any time I had a problem in life, I’d call my bestfriend and ask her opinion. Praying and seeking God was always an afterthought. During my previous relationships, when there were problems between myself and my guy, instead of consulting the creator, I’d immediately run to my bestfriend for answers, which I have since learned is a big “no-no.” There simply wasn’t enough room in my life for God, my fiancé, and my bestfriend.
Although the loss of my bestfriend hurt me to the core, I needed to have a period of time where I could listen to God and spend uninterrupted time with him. It was during this time, that I prayed the most, I meditated more, and I focused on self-soothing during my time of crisis instead of burdening others with my problems. It was during this time that I realized my own strength and potential. With each passing day I learned that I, alone, was more than enough. I didn’t need anything or anyone aside from God to validate my self worth. I learned that I could think critically and work through my own problems; and honestly, I eventually began to enjoy the quiet time, and the freedom of not having to please others. It was a different time in my life, but it was well worth the lesson, and self esteem I gained.