Tonight is the first night in my new place; a modest two bedroom one bathroom duplex nestled on the west side of town. It doesn’t sound like much, I know, but it’s a new beginning for me. I’m currently sitting on my bed (undefiled by the sweaty passion of love making.) I’m listening to the soothing sounds of Raheem Devaughn’s neo-soul. And I’m experiencing the most peace I’ve had in a long time.
As many of my readers and friends may know, I’m married and preparing for divorce. That’s no longer a secret I have to bear. For our own selfish and silly reasons, my husband and I had created an atmosphere of hostility and discord in our previous dwelling. Being together had become agonizing for us both. I could sense both of us becoming more and more anxious as we prepared for this day of official separation. But, we have officially made it.
The sun rose and fell today just like every other day. This day, however, was different. On this day we both took advantage of the opportunity to start our lives over. Now I’ll be honest, I can’t say for certain what my husband plans to do with his second chance at life and love. As for me, I’ve decided to use this move as a opportunity to set in motion an entire new beginning for my life.
I’m taking this opportunity to find out what it means to really love myself. I am declaring, with all fervor, that I will not use unhealthy relationships to compensate for what I may lack in self esteem. I will not use sex as a drug that cloaks my discontentment in a false sense of euphoria. I will not be the same person as I was when I entered this marriage. I’m on a journey of true peace and happiness.
On this journey I’m traveling with my friends celibacy, self discipline, and self love. I don’t know what may lie on the road ahead of me. I do, however, know that celibacy will be the practice that I employ to gain clarity. Self discipline with be the tool I use to move from the rank of mere womanhood to the echelon of queenhood. Self love is both the daily goal and one of the destinations along my journey of peace and happiness. Anxiously, I stand at the fork in the road, my journey awaits. I feel blessed beyond measure to have made it to this turning point in my life and I intend to make good on it. #StartingOver #QueenBehavior