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I’m Not Doing This For You Anymore

Being Honest and Unapologetic about my truth. Freedom means different things to different people, this is what freedom mean to me.

It’s taken me years, but I can say I definitely feel more free now than at any other point in my life. (And I didn’t even have to celebrate the Fourth to gain this liberation.) However, this freedom has come with a price. The price of this freedom means that what I write next will probably offend some of you. Some of you will look at me differently when you see me in church or out around town. Some of you will try to use my personal freedom to wrongfully judge or shame my family (and that’s a hefty price to pay.) Still I refuse to be afraid of the masses, the friends, family, church folks, who expected me to live a life confined to the box of their minds. So today, Im choosing to do it! I’m deciding to say what I’ve always feared saying. Here goes nothing! Wait, hold-up, I think I just peed myself a little #nervous! Be right back…

Ok, at the current I’m blasting Jeezy as loud as my Harman/Kardon will play it. I ain’t perfect! At work I cuss more than the motherfucking men who respect me enough to at least try to censor themselves. People in my closest circle ain’t damn Christians. (Why did I say “damn Christians”- as if I’m not a Christian? It’s just that I’m disappointed by  my brothers and sisters who exemplify judgmental behavior, hatred, hypocrisy and ignorance, more than they embody Love.) Incidentally, I’m the odd ball in my closest circle. I find myself spending time with a Wiccan, an Egnostic, and numerous Atheists. I pride myself in the idea that I can appreciate the beliefs and values of others yet hold steady to my own beliefs.

 Though I consider myself pro-black, I spent many years being a white-man’s side chick. It is what it is. And all those “faux-teppers” who wanna call me a “bed-wench” can kiss my black ass. No matter what issues I have with racism in this country, my city, my hood, I still ultimately believe love should be universal. (I told yall I wasn’t perfect.) I conceived a child with a man I’d only known for a very, very, short period of time. The sex was amazing, and I feel my child is brilliant with great potential. I just regret not being able to offer him all he deserves, and for that reason, I sometimes consider that delaying parenthood would have been a better option.  I kissed a girl, more than one time, in more than one place and I liked it.  But I know that I’m more than my choices and sex partners.

As a young woman, I find that my ideals don’t match traditional Christianity, yet those in the most Pro-Black of circles don’t accept me either. So I just end up being Kineski, no box or label can fully embody my personality and values. (Many of you label whores will go ahead and place a label on my lifestyle without knowing the full story about those times in my life, and that’s fine. I simply refuse to be bothered by that now.)  I never liked being a preacher’s kid because most people in my community have placed undo pressure on me to be someone they  thought I should be, versus allowing me to develop into the women I was meant to be.

 It’s okay though, I still love you! But guess what… Ive decided that I love “ME” More! I decided that I don’t write you for, I don’t live for you, and I wasn’t created to be a slave to your opinions or judgements. This is what freedom feels like to me. You know, the freedom of choice to believe how I want, the freedom of speech to say what I want. I just liberated myself. Who am I to decide that I don’t want to live in fear and censorship? Who am I to decide that I’m not writing this for you but for my own catharsis? IAMKINESKI!

2 Comments on I’m Not Doing This For You Anymore

  1. Live to love God who loves you unconditionally and the love of God will give you love to love. You have a right to be you and what you said, took a lot of courage, I know, because people always want to hold you to a higher standard then they hold themselves. Always keep in mind your truth is not always someones elses truth. Do you!!!

    • Kineski Howard // July 13, 2017 at 7:55 pm // Reply

      Essentially thats what im doing. But my path to a personal relationship with God is just that- my path. But mostly i dont want my creativity stiffled because of fear of what others may say. Thanks for reading this post more to come.

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