Initially I pondered over what my 2016 resolutions would be. I didn’t ponder long. I do this every year. I make promises to myself, and sometimes others, and I rarely keep them longer than a week. I wanted to keep my annual tradition but my mind was drawing a blank. “What new outrageous promises could I make this year that I haven’t made, and broken, at least once before.”
Now there I was, 3 days into the New Year and I still have not made one damn promise to myself (a promise I am sure to break.) I did, however, have this recurring-possibly- rebellious thought: “I don’t want to be better. I don’t want to be worse. I just want to be Kineski.”
At first, I thought this idea was silly, then I felt like it was stupid. However I just couldn’t shake it from the forefront of my mind. This was definitely not my normal moniker. I mean anyone who knows me knows that I am an advocate for self-improvement. So for me to go as far as saying that I don’t wish to be “better“- was quite a deviation from my norm. I closed out my 2015 with this thought, this idea. And I welcomed 2016 still not understanding what it meant for me.
It wasn’t until January 4th, that it began to make sense to me. On this first Monday of the New Year I found myself on a beige suede love seat, diagonally across from my therapist. Her brown skin and long natural hair comforted me. Her smile was very inviting and soothing. I felt like I could trust her with my deepest secrets. My mouth tended to tell her things before my brain had time to even process them.
During this therapy session, I began to speak about how I’ve spent so many years of my life, not loving myself and how I’ve conditioned myself into subconsciously believing that I was inadequate. Yep, subconsciously. I hadn’t fully realized until then, that I was living someone else’s life. I was living my life through the eyes of those I loved (and hated). I had set out to make everyone around me happy with my actions, my blogs, my lifestyle-except the person who mattered most, Me.
Between the laughter and the tears, I could hear this idea permeating my cocktail of thoughts. “I don’t want to be be better. I don’t want to be worse. I just want to be Kineski.” For me, this means that 2016 will NOT be about a weight loss challenge to satisfy others. This year will NOT be about bringing joy and happiness to those around me without out first making sure I am truly happy. This year will NOT be about relationships that satisfy a need or emptiness that I am adequate enough to fill for myself.
This year WILL be about Kineski. It WILL be about saying what needs to be said. It WILL be about doing what I wish to do. It WILL be about learning to be happy with who I am. This year WILL be about me shedding the mentality that I am too fat, too short, too black, too sassy, too smart, too dumb. And though there is no harm with pushing to be better versions of yourself, it important to celebrate yourself, just as you are right now. This year WILL be about embracing the idea that I, alone, AM Enough.
“…we are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let out own light shine, we unconsciously give other people persmission to do the same.” -Marrianne Williamson