To put it simply, I feel completely lifeless. There is an overwhelming sense of stagnation that prevails over my existence. This lurid dissonance between my emotions and my sense of logic has all but killed my spirit. Because I don’t know any other way to describe it, I’m calling it “Death by Relationship.”
Mind you, this isn’t a physical death. In contrast, this is a slow decaying of hopefulness, vigor, and happiness. This is the consequence of an unhealthy, one-sided, dead-end relationship.This feeling of lifelessness is confirmation of how much this relationship has taken from me. Not only do happiness and joy seem ever-increasingly elusive, but my energy levels have dwindled to the point where I barely feel like getting out of bed. This could very well be depression. How ridiculous it is to hold on to a situation that is depressing the hell out of me. I guess the heart isn’t always logical.
I wake up and go about my day trying to pretend that everything is normal. I try to smile through it, but deep down I know I’m dying. It literally feels like an out of body experience. I feel like I’m not an active participant in life, but merely a spectator, refusing to live and allowing my life to race by me as I sit on the “side-line” waiting for someone to love me as fiercely as I have loved them.
I don’t blame “him” for the position I find myself in. I am not seeking sympathy from anyone. I am just here for a cathartic release. Holding this poison inside has nearly caused me to crack under the weight of this burdensome situation. True love, mixed with alluring lust, feels like cinder blocks tied to my ankles making it nearly impossible to leave. But the agony of a one-sided relationship tells me I should run like hell in the other direction. Death by relationship. Not the kind of death that requires a funeral and burial. But the type of death that depletes all goodness and hope from the mind and replaces it with despair and hurt.
I wanted to write about the triumph of overcoming an unhealthy relationship. I wish I could write in great detail how I tamed my emotions and silenced the love I have for him- but honest, I ain’t there yet. This, my friends, will be a long journey back to emotional health. But I’m taking a step in the right direction everyday. I am just realizing that this journey will not be easy. It will be slow, and perilous. The choice is solely mine: die a slow spiritual and emotional death, or live without the one I love.
To Be continued